Reflections

Can it really be that I haven't posted this year?  That may explain some things in my life.  Reflection really is important for growth and sanity, and I find myself in dire need for some of each of those at this time. 

Why is it that we as humans have to keep relearning the same lessons over and over again.  I love change.  I love to grow.  And yet this entire year has been so frustrating and I had to relearn the same lessons over again.
I have abandonment issues.  I'm terrified of Kris's death.  I have loved him since meeting him at 18, and can't imagine being without him.  Things have been difficult for a while and I'm just plain exhausted.
 So 2010 has been a year for me to revert to my old eating habits.  I don't use the healthy coping mechanisms I've adopted, but revert to my old habits.  I give everything I have to my patients, and in May, I accept a promotion and become an insane workaholic.  I give 12 hrs/day and many hours of not sleeping to my work and coworkers, and get nothing in return.  This frustrates me to no end.  I finally begin to see the light after God sends a few people to give me the message I need.
First, while in the mountains with my sister she realizes I'm lying awake thinking about work (easier than thinking about Kris's health) and she asks if she can tickle my back til I fall asleep.  This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me all year.  It makes me want to cry.  I don't cry.  Then I receive a letter from an old patient of mine from the beach who is worried about me not blogging and I cry.  Really cry.  I realize how much I miss patient care and the beach.  And exercise.  And church.  All of the things that ground me and make me happy.  Things that fill my needs. I run out of a work crying and no one cares.  I return to an empty house.  I cry.  I hate crying.   I can't stop thinking of Kris's illness and I realize I have to reach out or I will be alone.
I finally realize I cannot do this anymore.  I question if I am cut out for management, for health care really as all I do is give to everyone everything that I have and no one gives anything to me. The next day I run into the wife of a patient of mine who will die within the year.  She is juggling work, 2 children, a dying mother in law, and her husband's deterioration.  We agree to lunch.  I realize how blessed I am.  She is a godly, beautiful, strong woman and her needs are being met.  I may even be able to meet her need to have someone who understands and can really listen.  And I won't be alone either.  Thank you for this opportunity.
 I know that it is my job to fill my needs and I schedule a week of more patient care and more management training.  I "happen" to run into a man who does medical mission trips.  I gave him my email, and call my family to come see me this weekend.  I finally pull out the old computer to blog and reflect on things after a much better week.

Here are the things I'm thinking about:  I could go on and on, but work really it is a distraction from my real concern:  my loneliness and fear of being completely alone.  I am frustrated because I am 33. I am young.  I am childless.  I am alone alot.  I am not meeting my own needs.  Food is not a solution or a friend.  And I know better.
So here is how I plan to start getting back on the right track and meeting my needs myself:
1.  Eat right.  You know how, now do it.  Only eat when you are physically hungry.  Not emotionally.  Duh.
2.  Reach out to your family.  They love you.  They are busy, distracted, and involved in their own drama, so listen to them and call more often anyway.  Be more available.  Spend more time with your precious nieces and nephews.  Help shape their lives.  They will be there for you when Kris dies.
3.  Exercise.  You are a PT.  Do it.  Stop avoiding your boss and bike with her.  She has been a wonderful friend and triathlon partner.  You miss biking.  Its not safe to bike alone.  Just do it.  And swim.  At the gym. Where people will ask you tons of work questions.  Do it anyway.  Walk your stinking dogs.  Maybe Georgia will poop outside then.  And they love it.  And do yoga.  You love it and can do it in the privacy of your own home.  Why else are there 23 recorded episodes.
4.  Work.  You love patients.  You love a challenge.  You love puzzles.  You love change.  You love your coworkers.  You love both your supervisors.  They give you time, understanding, and advice.  Thank them, But come home on time and leave work at work.  Don't let it consume you.  It doesn't give back.
5.  Sleep. Don't think about work.  Or death.  Or what you would do with the dogs if Kris wasn't here...
6.  Make godly friends.  You must join a church.  Then you must attend regularly.  Ignore the pettiness and focus on worshiping God.  You know this.  Now do it.   Spend more time with the friends you have.  Don't be alone so much.
7.  Give back to your community.  You love old people:  volunteer at a nursing home, women's shelter, or dog shelter.  But don't bring the dogs home.  And next year, go on the medical mission trip you have been praying about.
8.  Remind yourself of God's protection and love and how he's demonstrated this in the past.  Remember there  is no cause to worry or plan for the worst.  He has it under control.   He has given me a challenge at work when I told Him how frustrated and bored I was.  Remember how God put Judith in your life to keep your dogs while you go away and you didn't even ask.  He meets my needs.  I am blessed.  I am loved.  I am not alone.  The future is in God's hands.  I will stop thinking about it.  You can't plan for it and you shouldn't.  I thank God for everyday I have with Kris.  The man that loves me like no one else could.  The man who has every part of my heart.  Try to imagine being 34 and in a body that won't cooperate with anything you ask of it.  I'd be cranky too.  I wouldn't wonder if my wife has her needs met either.  So meet your own needs.  And his. Thats all you really have to do.
I don't know who reads this.  But for some reason, maybe my patient's letter, I feel the need to post.  To be heard.  But maybe it will help someone too.  I'm tired, but God will fill my cup.  He will give me what I need.  I just have to ask for help more often and trust him.  Because when I reflect and think about it, of course He will, He always has, and always will.  I appreciate your prayers and your thoughts.